Yesterday I was driving around in the Joburg CBD minding my own business (trying to get rid of some bags of cement my dad had given me) when this old granny, she must have been like 100 years old, starts driving down a one-way street and is heading straight for me.

I started to shout out “Bitch!” a lot, but she was obviously deaf and blind because she carried on riding towards me like a wrinkly demon. In the end I had to drive over those massive yellow dividing things for the BRT system and lucky she missed me and instead hit into another granny going in the other direction.

Now when do these okes take their tests again? They probably haven’t taken their driver’s test since they were 18, back when cars were actually carriages drawn by horses. Why does this government not ever recognise this as a problem? Instead, these okes concentrate on questioning me when I’ve stopped on the highway and started unloading bags of cement onto the side of the road. Yes Mr Officer why don’t you ignore the senile prunes driving like it’s the Kentucky Derby and give me a R500 fine instead, even though I have all of my vision???

We should have to take our driver’s tests again when we hit 70, and do it again and again every year until we die. They’ll have to do all the parallel parking and all that again, I don’t care. If I can do it, those old okes can do it.