Category: The Blogs


It’s cold. Here are some tips for surviving the South African winter.

 

 

1.    Keep a glass of water by your bedside.

When you wake up, your bedroom will be cold and you won’t want to leave the comfort of your warm bed. This problem is easily solved by throwing a glass of water onto the spot where you’re lying. Then you will want to get up more because of the water.

Alternatively you could throw water onto whoever’s sleeping next to you. Then they will have to get up, which doesn’t really help you, but if you whinge a little they will make you coffee because they are up and you are not.

2.    Wear big boots.

Sometimes the cold makes your car unwilling to start. This is because all cars originally come from Russia and the cold makes them homesick.

If this happens, you should wear your big boots, and get out of the car to kick it very hard. You can kick it several times depending on how inconvenienced you are.

NOTE: There is, at the time of publication, no law to kicking your own car. But don’t kick other people’s cars as some people take issue with such behaviour.

3.    Fingerless gloves.

Fingerless gloves, although entirely pointless, can give other people the illusion that you are warmer than them. Once you have someone believing this, they are probably ready to be exploited because they respect your perceived warmth and desire it for themselves.

4.    Take up smoking.

When it’s very cold at night you will be able to blow out mist with the mere use of your mouth and lungs. A nice game to play is to smoke a real cigarette every now and then, and get people guessing if you’re smoking or just breathing. If they guess correctly then you can use your big boots to kick them in the shins, and then you can take their money and buy a heater.

5.    Go to work earlier.

We don’t have daylight savings in this country, but don’t let that stop you. Get to work as the sun is rising to make the most of your day. If the premises are locked, break into the building and smash things up inside to teach other people to make the most of their days too.

6.    Be ethically responsible.
In winter your body will crave more and more carbohydrates, and you will be tempted to eat bread all day, every day.

Bread is made from yeast, which is a living entity that feels pain when it is put into an oven and burnt alive for the sake of sandwiches. If you don’t want to spend your winter eating more and more murdered living entities like some caveman, then do not buy bread, or at least buy bread that gave its yeast a happy life before it was murdered in a giant oven.

7.    Cuddle up.

If you have a partner (or multiple partners, like the State president) and you suffer from a cold body that just never warms up, then cuddle with someone (they should give consent) and suck all their warmth from them until you are warm and they are cold. If you’re lucky, this might force them to get up and then you can get them to make coffee.

8.    Have a swim.

It sounds silly, but actually having a swim is the best remedy for those who suffer from dry skin in the terribly dry winter. This is because WATER is the opposite of DRYNESS; for example there is no water in the desert, and deserts are very dry because of this fact, which has been proven scientifically.

9.    Make your living space more compact.

Sometimes it’s a good idea to embrace the cold by pretending that you are living in Europe. This entails moving your furniture and possessions very close to one another, buying a smaller bed, and then sitting on the bed with your head in your hands as you contemplate the impending collapse of the Euro.

10.    Print pictures of you having a good time in the sun.

Psychologically, some people get very down in the winter because they are losers. If you are one of these losers you should put pictures of yourself hanging out in the sunshine and buy a very strong torch that you shine into your brain through your eyes. This will create a little world of summer in your own house! What could be more uplifting than that? Literally nothing.

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Yesterday I was driving around in the Joburg CBD minding my own business (trying to get rid of some bags of cement my dad had given me) when this old granny, she must have been like 100 years old, starts driving down a one-way street and is heading straight for me.

I started to shout out “Bitch!” a lot, but she was obviously deaf and blind because she carried on riding towards me like a wrinkly demon. In the end I had to drive over those massive yellow dividing things for the BRT system and lucky she missed me and instead hit into another granny going in the other direction.

Now when do these okes take their tests again? They probably haven’t taken their driver’s test since they were 18, back when cars were actually carriages drawn by horses. Why does this government not ever recognise this as a problem? Instead, these okes concentrate on questioning me when I’ve stopped on the highway and started unloading bags of cement onto the side of the road. Yes Mr Officer why don’t you ignore the senile prunes driving like it’s the Kentucky Derby and give me a R500 fine instead, even though I have all of my vision???

We should have to take our driver’s tests again when we hit 70, and do it again and again every year until we die. They’ll have to do all the parallel parking and all that again, I don’t care. If I can do it, those old okes can do it.

For me, music is something to be enjoyed at the right time in the right place.

For lots of other people, music is something to vomit out in public places so that everyone in the immediate area is forced to indulge in your poor taste.

There’s nothing impressive about lining your car with enough sound to contact the ancestors and then driving around the city like an ambulance sponsored by Lil Wayne. If you’re someone who announces their arrival about 7 kilometres before you arrive, then you’re a tosser. I have to wonder what kind of joy this music brings you when you can physically feel your eardrums eroding with every beat of every shit song.

But it’s the public aspect that’s more disturbing than the loudness. This is proved by how annoying people are who walk around with their cell phones blaring as though the music were providing guidance on where next to walk. Again, it’s really not obvious to me how much someone could enjoy music coming from a Nokia C3-00 at full volume. It’s kind of like preferring to watch a movie on an economy-class long-haul flight to watching on the big screen.

In summary: I think both groups can benefit from some earphones.

I was reading an article that said that black people can’t be racist , that it is “impossible”. I want to argue against this.

 

 

According to the dictionary, racism is “the doctrine that a certain race is superior to any or all others”.  What some people are saying is that ONLY white people are able to do this. They are saying that black people simply cannot think of other races as inferior.

To me, this kind of talk sounds very racist. It reminds me of old racist ideologies from the apartheid regime saying things like “black people can’t be educated” or “black people couldn’t run the country” which is nonsense. Saying “black people can’t do X or Y” is rubbish and has been disproved over and over.

Saying that black people can’t be racist is denying us the right to be racist, and is just another way for racists to be racist. Black people can do anything white people do, and to think otherwise is just racist.

 

 

 

One of the most well known things in China is the Great Wall. It’s lank famous, and apparently you can see it from space. I organized a tour for myself, and they came to pick me up from my hotel. My tour guide was a cool guy, and his name was Jack. I said, ‘is that your real name?’ He said his real name was something like ‘Hwang Jang Jiang Chang’. These kind of names are impossible for white okes to pronounce, and so these days lank Chinese have ‘English’ names. ‘That’s just like the blacks’ I said. I told him that blacks have these hectic names that whites can’t pronounce so they also have a ‘white’ name. I told him about my friend Felix whose real name is amaFelix. But he didn’t know what I was talking about.

We drove for a couple of hours. Beijing is lank enormous. It’s literally like a hundred times the size of Johannesburg with a hundred times more people and a hundred times more buildings.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally we got out into the countryside and then we got to the wall. While we were walking he asked me if I had any pets. I told him no. He said he had a golden Labrador. Then I realized that the word was being mistranslated. When he said, ‘pet’ he really meant, ‘livestock’. I asked him if he had a ‘special liking’ for Labrador, and he said, ‘yes, they’re so cute and clever.’ I didn’t know what he mea

nt by this. Obviously it was another mistranslation, and he meant, ‘tender’ or something like that. He told me he kept his dog indoors but took it for

walks every evening. I guess cause he’s middle class he wants his dog to be ‘organic’ or something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We walked along the wall. It was very big.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After that we went to have lunch at this nearby place. There were lank peasants driving around on scooters and motorbikes. But inside the food was lank good. The driver sat with us and ate his food. The driver didn’t have an English name, so I couldn’t talk to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Later we went to another part of the wall. This part was lank rural and there was no one else there. When we were walking we passed this place, and I saw a dog tied up outside.

But then I saw there was actually another dog tied to the other side, and I realized that I was walking past an abattoir. It would have made me sick to the stomach, but I remembered what my uncle had said about being open to a new culture, so I just pointed and said, ‘yum, yum.’ He didn’t seem to understand.

The driver went and stood by himself on a part of the wall, and it looked like a scene from a movie.

I figured that now would be a good chance for me to tell Jack that I was a fan of Jackie Chan and that when I was young I’d studied Karate. So I started counting in Chinese, ‘ichi, ni, san, chi, go’, and doing kata moves. Then he told me that Karate was from Japan not China. I explained that this was a common misconception and that Karate had actually originated in China, and was used by the ancient ones to defend the capital from the Mongolian savages. He’d never heard about this, but I told him he should remember it in case other people asked him in the future.

 

 

 

 

 

In David Icke’s new book Lizard men left clues for our survival he explains that the Illuminate (who are the okes who control everything) left clues for smart people to survive the end of the world, which is happening this year. According to David Icke:

  • The end of the world this year was a planned event which was decided by Freemasons and has not much to do with Mayans.
  • There is a “Safety Zone” that has been decided by the Illuminate which will be safe from the end of the world. But according to David Icke only the elite will find out what the location is.  
  • The clues to the Safety Zone, according to David Icke, are found in the world’s most iconic icons. Like big buildings that you recognise.

I’ve done lank research on this and I have a theory now about where the Safety Zone is.

My theory

If you look carefully, the world’s most iconic icons form letters. If you look even more carefully, those letters form a word which is also a place.

I have realised that the reason the Twin Towers were wiped out was because they were two “I”s in a row, which the illuminate realised isn’t in any words.

Louis Armstrong

When working out the secret location, the letters must come in the right order. It’s obvious to any smart okes that the order must be based on Louis Armstrong’s preferred holiday destinations (from best to worst).

Why, you ask? You will have to read my last blog: The End of the World and Louis Armstrong.

The order

The order of these icons is:  Taj Mahal; Eiffel Tower; Big Ben; Pyramid; Stonehenge; Empire State Building

(because Louis Armstrong didn’t like New York.)

Taj Mahal

Everyone knows the Taj Mahal is a lekker place to chill, but it wasn’t built by some rich oke, it was actually commissioned by the head of the Freemasons at the time, and everyone knows that. If you flip it upside-down it actually makes a M.

Next is the Eiffel Tower, which is clearly a A.

People think the Big Ben is just a clock, but it’s not, it’s also a building to the side that makes a L.

The pyramids were built by aliens. Aliens starts with A.

Stonehenge was an ancient shrine built to worship the lizard men (according to David Icke). This one is much older than any of the others, and that’s why you have to flip it to get the true letter – a W.

Finally, Louis Armstrong’s worst destination – the Empire State Building. It’s obviously a I.

Conclusions

My theory clearly means that Malawi is the Safety Zone, and I’m pretty confident I am correct because lizards love lakes.

David Icke was the original choice for Neo in The Matrix but he turned the role down due to lizards

Because 2012 is the End of the World, a lot of okes are becoming in the know-how about the world of the Illuminati, Freemasons, and the Free Lunch movement (referred to as “There’s no such thing as a Free Lunch movement” by okes that know how to keep a secret). New evidence suggests that the singer Louis Armstrong was involved in the Freemasons and that he knew a great secret called the Safety Zone, which I will write about soon.

First things first: Louis Armstrong was a Freemason. Read the proof here (note: this is not a Wikipedia  page and is therefore more likely to be a better source).

According to David Icke, author of the new book Lizard men left clues for our survival, Louis Armstrong knew all about the secret date of the End of the World and the location of the Safety Zone, which obviously is the place where okes can be safe while the End of the World happens.

Some believe that Armstrong was murdered with a heart attack in 1971 because he had revealed the Illuminati’s plans for a Safety Zone in his song East of the sun (and west of the moon). If you read the lyrics of this song, it’s pretty obvious that he is giving verbal clues as to the existence of the Safety Zone, and he basically promises his wife or gay lover (that’s also debatable) a spot there. These are the lyrics:

Louis Armstrong had the kind of smile that said "I know where the Safety Zone for the End of the World is."

We’ll build a dream house of love

Near to the sun in a day

near to the moon at night,

We’ll live in a lovely way dear

Living our love in memory

Just you and I, forever and a day,

Love will not die, we’ll keep it that way,

Up among the stars we’ll find

A harmony of life, too lovely tune

East of the sun and west of the moon, dear,

East of the sun and west of the moon.

Just you and I we’ll build a dream house so lovely

Clearly Armstrong knew where the Safety Zone was, and is and will be.

Where is the Safety Zone?

On Wednesday I’m going to blow the lid off the pot of conspiracy soup with a stick of logical dynamite and I’m going to name what I think is the Safety Zone, based on Louis Armstrong’s preferred holiday destinations.

1. Replace the phone with a remote control.

Most phone time is spent picking up the phone and unlocking the keypad and then locking it again. If you find a remote control of a similar weight, you can feel the weight in your bag or pockets and pick it up occasionally, push some buttons and then put it back. You are likely to receive the same amount of messages.

This is a healthy substitute. It’s a bit like using nicorette chewing gum.

2. Just show up.

Yeah that’s right, don’t call ahead, BBM or What’s App, just rock up at your friend’s house. Ring the bell (do you remember those?), and then explain to them that you should hang out. The problem comes when they are on their phones, and you have no phone. Try picking your nails or chewing them until the moment passes.

3. Play real solitaire.

Solitaire can be played with a deck of cards, which is a physical version of a common pack of cards found on any iPhone version of solitaire. Playing the game this way is quite difficult! For one, you can’t keep checking your inbox for messages. You also have to use more than one finger to lift the cards. Sometimes you might find that you have run out of cards and the game stops. This is the time to pick up the cards that are in a pile and turn them over again.

Remember that you can’t “pause” real solitaire. If you try to, the cards might blow away or be stolen.

4. Replace Facebook updates with post-it notes

With no phone you won’t always be able to update your Facebook status. If you buy some post-it notes you can update your status wherever you are. If McGyver were a real person who lived today he would use this method as a last-minute solution. He would also most likely work at Builder’s Warehouse and listen to Kings of Leon.

Be careful what you leave though – there is no deleting these updates when in another location! For example, don’t leave updates like “I just ate a good pizza” because someone may read this a week later, and by that point it would be untrue, unless you happened to have eaten a good pizza just before then, too.

5. Give your opinions in more than 140 characters.

A blessing or a curse? In real life you can express your opinions in many sentences, which is good for people who like to talk, but bad for people who are very stupid. If you can’t update your Twitter feed from your phone, try tugging at a strangers arm and tell them what you think about Whitney Houston’s coffin (or whatever floats over your brain at that point). It might seem difficult to retweet things, but it’s fairly easy if you know how. For this you can just nod to yourself. Just nod to yourself while you think of what someone else said. This is good enough as a temporary measure.

A lot of okes ask me about the whole rhino horn thing that’s going on at the moment. If you don’t know what it is, basically, okes are killing rhinos and chopping off their horns, then selling them in the east to other okes who grind them up and schnarf them up their noses.

A lot of okes get lank emotional about this issue and post pictures of dead rhinos on their facebook walls. Okes get lank worked up and reckon that whoever kills these, ‘majestic beasts’ should be mutilated and killed.

I’d like to raise a couple of points.

First of all, who’s to say that rhinos are so great and majestic anyway? Those things weigh like two tons and they’re grey. Their skin is wrinkly and they have horns.

Also, okes get lank caught up in the moment, and carried away with shit. Everyday a couple of million pigs get killed and so do cows and chickens and all sorts of other things. Okes click, ‘like’ on a picture about a dead rhino and write underneath it: this is so sad. Then they choz a chicken salad. What about the chicken?

They say it’s worse if the rhino dies cause there’s only a few rhinos left in the world and millions of chickens. But we’ve already figured out how to clone shit so if they all die out then we can just clone new ones. And then we can breed shit loads of them in factory farms and start eating rhino salad. That way okes won’t get so freaked out about it.

Secondly, people are the only animals that have the need to campaign to save other animals. You reckon if there were like a few hundred people left in the world and some rhinos were killing them to eat their noses then other rhinos would post on their hornbook walls and say how tragic it was? No ways! They’d just let the humans die, cause it’s natural. And rhinos don’t even know how to clone shit, so it would really be the very end of humans!

Finally, the reason that okes sell that shit in the east is because Asians believe that if you grind down a rhino horn and schnarf it then you’ll get a lank big erection. Okes say shit like: that’s so sick! How dirty are those Asians schnarfing those ground up horns! But my question is: have you ever tried it? Do you know for sure that it doesn’t work? I don’t. And what if it does work and it’s the only way that some okes can get it up? If they can’t access rhino horn then they can’t have sex and they can’t make babies. So imagine the oke that could have been born but wasn’t, cause the guy who was going to be his father couldn’t get rhino horn! If you’re responsible for stopping the oke getting his rhino horn you have prevented a life, which is basically the same as murder.

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