Category: Vogue’s Blog


It’s cold. Here are some tips for surviving the South African winter.

 

 

1.    Keep a glass of water by your bedside.

When you wake up, your bedroom will be cold and you won’t want to leave the comfort of your warm bed. This problem is easily solved by throwing a glass of water onto the spot where you’re lying. Then you will want to get up more because of the water.

Alternatively you could throw water onto whoever’s sleeping next to you. Then they will have to get up, which doesn’t really help you, but if you whinge a little they will make you coffee because they are up and you are not.

2.    Wear big boots.

Sometimes the cold makes your car unwilling to start. This is because all cars originally come from Russia and the cold makes them homesick.

If this happens, you should wear your big boots, and get out of the car to kick it very hard. You can kick it several times depending on how inconvenienced you are.

NOTE: There is, at the time of publication, no law to kicking your own car. But don’t kick other people’s cars as some people take issue with such behaviour.

3.    Fingerless gloves.

Fingerless gloves, although entirely pointless, can give other people the illusion that you are warmer than them. Once you have someone believing this, they are probably ready to be exploited because they respect your perceived warmth and desire it for themselves.

4.    Take up smoking.

When it’s very cold at night you will be able to blow out mist with the mere use of your mouth and lungs. A nice game to play is to smoke a real cigarette every now and then, and get people guessing if you’re smoking or just breathing. If they guess correctly then you can use your big boots to kick them in the shins, and then you can take their money and buy a heater.

5.    Go to work earlier.

We don’t have daylight savings in this country, but don’t let that stop you. Get to work as the sun is rising to make the most of your day. If the premises are locked, break into the building and smash things up inside to teach other people to make the most of their days too.

6.    Be ethically responsible.
In winter your body will crave more and more carbohydrates, and you will be tempted to eat bread all day, every day.

Bread is made from yeast, which is a living entity that feels pain when it is put into an oven and burnt alive for the sake of sandwiches. If you don’t want to spend your winter eating more and more murdered living entities like some caveman, then do not buy bread, or at least buy bread that gave its yeast a happy life before it was murdered in a giant oven.

7.    Cuddle up.

If you have a partner (or multiple partners, like the State president) and you suffer from a cold body that just never warms up, then cuddle with someone (they should give consent) and suck all their warmth from them until you are warm and they are cold. If you’re lucky, this might force them to get up and then you can get them to make coffee.

8.    Have a swim.

It sounds silly, but actually having a swim is the best remedy for those who suffer from dry skin in the terribly dry winter. This is because WATER is the opposite of DRYNESS; for example there is no water in the desert, and deserts are very dry because of this fact, which has been proven scientifically.

9.    Make your living space more compact.

Sometimes it’s a good idea to embrace the cold by pretending that you are living in Europe. This entails moving your furniture and possessions very close to one another, buying a smaller bed, and then sitting on the bed with your head in your hands as you contemplate the impending collapse of the Euro.

10.    Print pictures of you having a good time in the sun.

Psychologically, some people get very down in the winter because they are losers. If you are one of these losers you should put pictures of yourself hanging out in the sunshine and buy a very strong torch that you shine into your brain through your eyes. This will create a little world of summer in your own house! What could be more uplifting than that? Literally nothing.

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1. Replace the phone with a remote control.

Most phone time is spent picking up the phone and unlocking the keypad and then locking it again. If you find a remote control of a similar weight, you can feel the weight in your bag or pockets and pick it up occasionally, push some buttons and then put it back. You are likely to receive the same amount of messages.

This is a healthy substitute. It’s a bit like using nicorette chewing gum.

2. Just show up.

Yeah that’s right, don’t call ahead, BBM or What’s App, just rock up at your friend’s house. Ring the bell (do you remember those?), and then explain to them that you should hang out. The problem comes when they are on their phones, and you have no phone. Try picking your nails or chewing them until the moment passes.

3. Play real solitaire.

Solitaire can be played with a deck of cards, which is a physical version of a common pack of cards found on any iPhone version of solitaire. Playing the game this way is quite difficult! For one, you can’t keep checking your inbox for messages. You also have to use more than one finger to lift the cards. Sometimes you might find that you have run out of cards and the game stops. This is the time to pick up the cards that are in a pile and turn them over again.

Remember that you can’t “pause” real solitaire. If you try to, the cards might blow away or be stolen.

4. Replace Facebook updates with post-it notes

With no phone you won’t always be able to update your Facebook status. If you buy some post-it notes you can update your status wherever you are. If McGyver were a real person who lived today he would use this method as a last-minute solution. He would also most likely work at Builder’s Warehouse and listen to Kings of Leon.

Be careful what you leave though – there is no deleting these updates when in another location! For example, don’t leave updates like “I just ate a good pizza” because someone may read this a week later, and by that point it would be untrue, unless you happened to have eaten a good pizza just before then, too.

5. Give your opinions in more than 140 characters.

A blessing or a curse? In real life you can express your opinions in many sentences, which is good for people who like to talk, but bad for people who are very stupid. If you can’t update your Twitter feed from your phone, try tugging at a strangers arm and tell them what you think about Whitney Houston’s coffin (or whatever floats over your brain at that point). It might seem difficult to retweet things, but it’s fairly easy if you know how. For this you can just nod to yourself. Just nod to yourself while you think of what someone else said. This is good enough as a temporary measure.

Unlike many of you I take the bus to most places, and even WALK to others. I do not own a car, nor would I like to own a car nor will I ever own a car. Apart from the obvious fact that the motor industry is one of the horns of capitalism (if capitalism is a devil, or maybe a goat) here are some other reasons not to own a car:

(1) Owning a car is like saying “Yes, not only am I a dick, but I am also mobile.”

(2) Travelling one person per vehicle is so selfish it’s like owning a cow solely for the purpose of emitting methane into the atmosphere (and it has a similar effect).

(3) Do you not want to be in touch with other humans? Why the need to lock yourself in a box with windows as opposed to sitting in a bus with the people that make the country function?

(4) The real reason most white people have cars is so that they can go to the gym and to Melrose Arch to drink Evian water and muck around. Is this really necessary?

(5) People also like to drive because they (“they” being men, usually with small penises) like to shout at other people on the road. Avoiding a car will solve all of this and will make you Zen. Ever heard of pedestrian rage? No.

(6) You can read on a bus or taxi. Driving a car means you’re forced to listen to business or politics or 5fm, all of which are equally painful and mind-numbing, particularly if Gareth Cliff is on.

(7) Two words: Car guards. I never have to worry about them or pretend that they’re actually performing a job (although I do still give them donations because it’s the right thing to do).

(8) Drinking and driving. This is a huge problem and people get into a whole lot of trouble for it. Don’t do jail time… Jail is where politicians and the head of the police should go.

(9) Fitness. You can get fit by walking a lot and running after people who steal your purse. If you do not know how to walk, please see the helpful diagram.

(10) Money! In this economic climate who has extra cash to buy the latest car? Not me. Save your money – and then give it away to people who need it.