Category: Uncategorized


Les Mis is a movie based on a play. Which is based on a book. Which is based on some stuff that probably happened.

 – Matt van Onselen –

Here are some of 2013’s most anticipated movies: Les Miserables, Iron Man 3, The Great Gatsby, Man of Steel and The Lone Ranger. Amongst these you will find a sequel, an adaptation from theatre to film, a film based on a book, a “relaunched” film franchise and a film inspired by a television show.

Now, I’m all for a trip to the movies to catch up with the familiar, but it does seem that remakes, sequels and re-imaginations are all Hollywood can produce these days. Are filmmakers beginning to run out of ideas?

The answer is no. It’s not the filmmakers who are lacking in imagination – it’s us!

Humans are suckers for the familiar. I know I am; that’s why I’ll probably go watch Die Hard 5: A Good Day to Die Hard – merely just to hear a reference to the meaningless catch phrase “Yipikaye, mother*cker”. That’s why I’ll go watch Superman 6: Man of Steel – because I want to see how the new Superman copes with tucking his underpants in for a change.

We want what we know – storylines, heroes, villains and dialogue. This explains the relief and joy expressed at James Bond 23: Skyfall, where the writers finally ditched any attempt to be original and reverted back to predictable one-liners and shoving all the old characters back into the franchise.

But all of this reminds me of the old man who has ordered the same ham and cheese sandwich every lunchtime for 40 years. Our insatiable appetite for what we already know robs us of opportunities to try something new. Isn’t that enough motivation to change?

Thanks to

Thanks to these guys

The demand for the familiar has gone to ridiculous lengths. This year, two anticipated movies are Top Gun and Jurassic Park – and they’re not even remakes! They’re old movies shown now in 3D, which, in case you haven’t experienced 3D, basically just means watching the movie with sunglasses on.

Then there was the Spiderman franchise, which seemed to be relaunched before the third movie was even off circuit. This is a new pressure placed on filmmakers – you better do a good job, or in one year’s time we’re going to show you how it’s really done.

It’s a shame, but it seems that most original films are now labeled as “art” films and appear on the Cinema Nouveau circuit. That means that “mainstream” audiences are only willing to deal with what they know. This in turns implies that we are a species that is only really happy when we order the ham and cheese sandwich every day.

Don’t get me wrong – I love ham and cheese. But let’s not become consumed by ham and cheese, making sequels involving ham and cheese, or “relaunching” ham and cheese for the new generation. From time to time, let’s look at the rest of the menu.

It’s cold. Here are some tips for surviving the South African winter.



1.    Keep a glass of water by your bedside.

When you wake up, your bedroom will be cold and you won’t want to leave the comfort of your warm bed. This problem is easily solved by throwing a glass of water onto the spot where you’re lying. Then you will want to get up more because of the water.

Alternatively you could throw water onto whoever’s sleeping next to you. Then they will have to get up, which doesn’t really help you, but if you whinge a little they will make you coffee because they are up and you are not.

2.    Wear big boots.

Sometimes the cold makes your car unwilling to start. This is because all cars originally come from Russia and the cold makes them homesick.

If this happens, you should wear your big boots, and get out of the car to kick it very hard. You can kick it several times depending on how inconvenienced you are.

NOTE: There is, at the time of publication, no law to kicking your own car. But don’t kick other people’s cars as some people take issue with such behaviour.

3.    Fingerless gloves.

Fingerless gloves, although entirely pointless, can give other people the illusion that you are warmer than them. Once you have someone believing this, they are probably ready to be exploited because they respect your perceived warmth and desire it for themselves.

4.    Take up smoking.

When it’s very cold at night you will be able to blow out mist with the mere use of your mouth and lungs. A nice game to play is to smoke a real cigarette every now and then, and get people guessing if you’re smoking or just breathing. If they guess correctly then you can use your big boots to kick them in the shins, and then you can take their money and buy a heater.

5.    Go to work earlier.

We don’t have daylight savings in this country, but don’t let that stop you. Get to work as the sun is rising to make the most of your day. If the premises are locked, break into the building and smash things up inside to teach other people to make the most of their days too.

6.    Be ethically responsible.
In winter your body will crave more and more carbohydrates, and you will be tempted to eat bread all day, every day.

Bread is made from yeast, which is a living entity that feels pain when it is put into an oven and burnt alive for the sake of sandwiches. If you don’t want to spend your winter eating more and more murdered living entities like some caveman, then do not buy bread, or at least buy bread that gave its yeast a happy life before it was murdered in a giant oven.

7.    Cuddle up.

If you have a partner (or multiple partners, like the State president) and you suffer from a cold body that just never warms up, then cuddle with someone (they should give consent) and suck all their warmth from them until you are warm and they are cold. If you’re lucky, this might force them to get up and then you can get them to make coffee.

8.    Have a swim.

It sounds silly, but actually having a swim is the best remedy for those who suffer from dry skin in the terribly dry winter. This is because WATER is the opposite of DRYNESS; for example there is no water in the desert, and deserts are very dry because of this fact, which has been proven scientifically.

9.    Make your living space more compact.

Sometimes it’s a good idea to embrace the cold by pretending that you are living in Europe. This entails moving your furniture and possessions very close to one another, buying a smaller bed, and then sitting on the bed with your head in your hands as you contemplate the impending collapse of the Euro.

10.    Print pictures of you having a good time in the sun.

Psychologically, some people get very down in the winter because they are losers. If you are one of these losers you should put pictures of yourself hanging out in the sunshine and buy a very strong torch that you shine into your brain through your eyes. This will create a little world of summer in your own house! What could be more uplifting than that? Literally nothing.

We landed the SKA project! Check it out thanks to LitNet!


As most of you okes probably know by now, I recently went to check out the East. First of all I went to China. I went to Beijing first. I was hoping to check out the waitering scene and see if I could land myself a job.

But when I got there I discovered that to be a waiter you have to speak Chinese. Which is ridiculous, cause most Chinese okes want to learn to speak English and it’s a known fact that the best way to learn a foreign language is through real-life situations. Also, almost no one learns a second language unless they’re forced to. So if the waiter can only speak English, then the Chinese okes would have to learn to speak English if they wanted to order from the menu. I tried to explain this to the manager, but he didn’t understand me.

Then I thought that I could maybe land a job as an English teacher. I heard anyone can do that. But I found out that you have to have a university degree. I have a certificate in critical thinking from an online institution. But

the English schools didn’t recognize it, and they said I was meant to have applied over the internet before I got there. So I used the internet at my hotel to apply, but I needed to ask some people to be my referees. But the only way I could contact them was through facebook, and facebook is blocked in China. So I had to give up on that idea.

But that didn’t really matter cause the main reason I went to the East was because I’d always heard that Asian chicks are hot. And I heard they dig white okes. I heard from some of my friends, and my uncle who lives in China, th

at even fat, ugly okes can get can get lank hot chicks. So one night I went out to this place called Ho Hei in Beijing. There were lank clubs and plenty hot chicks everywhere. They were all thin and they had black hair. It was awesome! Then I went to this one really hot one who was standing by the bar and I said, ‘I’ve heard that chicks here dig white okes!’ As it turns out, this girl had studied in the US and her English was pretty good. But she’d never heard the word, ‘chick’ and she thought I was saying, ‘chink’, which is a racist term for Chinese people. So she got lank offended and said, ‘how can you say that? what’s wrong with you?’ Then she walked away and I started following her through the crowd, trying to say the word more clearly, ‘chick, chick, chick!’ But I think she just kept hearing, ‘chink, chink, chink.’ It was lank awkward.

I kept trying to chat to different chicks, and some of them wanted to talk, but then afterwards it turned out they were trying to sell me stuff. This other really hot chick asked me if I wanted to have coffee with her and her friend. I thought, ‘hell yes!’ and I followed them to this place where their friend was serving green tea. It was just me and these chicks, and they couldn’t really speak English very well, but they were lank into me. And I thought we’d take the party back to my hotel, but then they gave me the bill and it was for like 500 bucks. For one cup of tea! Then I remembered that I’d read about this exact scam in a guidebook. So I just got up and ran away cause I only had 200 bucks on me.

I decided then that I had to get in contact with my uncle. I’d told him I was coming, but I thought I would first try make it on my own, cause I’m that kind of guy. I don’t want to have to rely too much on other okes. But I realized that it’s another world out there! Literally! And you need a guide of some sort.

So the next day I met my uncle for lunch. I don’t know what he does exactly, but he makes big bucks. I think he may be involved in the rhino horn trade, but I’m not a hundred percent sure and I didn’t want to ask directly. I actually thought that maybe I could get involved from the South African side, helping him source rhino horn. But he just started giving me some advice about dealing with Chinese. He said that Chinese are lank attached to their own culture. They think it’s fantastic and they’re always going on about how they have five thousand years of history. So if you want to impress a Chinese chick, then you have to know something about Chinese culture. I told him that I was something of an expert on Eastern cultures, but he said that I wasn’t. He said I should experience some of the culture first hand. My uncle has a Chinese chick. He just broke up with his last one, and then found a new one. He didn’t want me to meet her though. He’d told her he was from New York, and that all his friends and family were rich Americans. If she met me she’d know at once that he was lying. But he gave meten thousand bucks in cash cause he said I’d never find a job with my qualifications. So I extended my stay, and decided I’d try get acquainted with the culture so I could impress a chick and get laid.

Click here for Part Two

I made a note last week of all the things that hawkers sell at traffic lights on my way to work…


These include:




Cell phone chargers (x 500 000)

Passport holders


Now, clearly people buy these things at one time or another (otherwise they wouldn’t be on sale), but can’t we organise this a bit better?

If we organised the hawkers by district we could create a “drive-through” market based on the layout of a supermarket.

The first wave of hawkers could start on the outskirts: Randburg, Louis Botha, Cresta, Braamfontein, etc. Just like in a supermarket, these guys will sell only fruit, veggies and bakery goods.

The next layer, moving closer to the suburbs, would have rice, pasta, sauces and such. If you take certain side routes then you’ll also find cereal, sugar, and flour. You should now be entering suburbia, but you’re still stuck at the large intersections and traffic lights where you’ll find meat and frozen meals.

The final section will be as you enter your friendly, middle-class suburb, which will have hawkers armed with sweets, chocolates and breath mints, allowing you to complete your whole shopping experience by the time you’ve got home.

You will have noticed that I have centred the whole plan around my house, which is near Rosebank. If you don’t live in the northern suburbs (like our friend Thembi) or if you don’t own a car (like Vogue van Hagen) then why are you even reading this blog?

Stuff White People Like

This one is a no-brainer and served as the inspiration for the photo on the far right. That photo described the woman as a “local herb merchant.” Everything about that description is white.

White people like Farmers Markets for a number of reasons. The first is their undying need to support local economies (see future post), and the idea of buying direct from the farmer helps them assuage the fears instilled in them from reading Fast Food Nation (and yes, every white person has read this book).

White people also like Farmer’s Markets because it is outdoors (they love being outdoors), they can bring their dogs and children in expensive strollers, and they get to see other white people. If they are single, this is a good place to meet other single white people who share their passion for sustainability.

View original post

Kony 2012 on BlackSheepTV

Check out the latest cartoon on Litnet!

New cartoon on Litnet

There’s a new cartoon up on Litnet. READ IT FOR  GOODNESS SAKE

Facebook Friends